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Yesterday we had an interview with a charming Russian twenty-something, let’s call her Tanya. Tanya is eloquent and poised and gave us almost two hours of her time, even though she is under a lot of pressure as a legal assistant on probation period- meaning she is hired on trial for three months, a system common in Russia. Tanya expressed some views on work and family life that we have come to expect as the norm after two weeks here in Moscow: women are biologically made to be the primary caregivers for children, it is much more difficult for women to achieve work-life balance because they have so many more responsibilities than men do, and as a woman, she is looking to marry a man who is more ambitious, and more intelligent, than she. A man should be stronger, wiser, more driven, otherwise, “He is not a man!”  Of course, I have heard this many times before. And the answer is certainly not isolated to Russian interviewees. I have met a ton of incredibly intelligent and impressive men in my life, including many of our interviewees, but I have met equally many intelligent and impressive women. I certainly don’t feel as though there is a cornucopia of capable men and a dearth of equally capable women in this world. Not at all. Therefore, I ask: where will these intelligent ladies find these ”more intelligent” men that they claim to be looking for?
Even my own dear colleague, Vetta, told me that she always wanted to be with someone smarter and more successful. Well, you may not know Vetta, but I do. And to find someone who is smarter and has the potential to be more successful is quite a tall order. I tell her so all the time. She then told me that her mother (Russian mother, by the way) always encouraged her to get smart but “not too smart!” because then she would never find a husband. Ah…the fog is clearing. Let me propose the following: Vetta’s mother is giving her daughter good advice, in many ways. And Tanya and Vetta’s expectations will probably make them more marriageable than me, for instance. But that is not because they will actually be less intelligent than the men they end up with. This expectation is an expression of their understanding that, in general, men want to be the higher earner, the higher thinker, in general, on top, in a relationship. It is not about the woman’s intelligence level. It is about the man’s sense of self. Therefore, the women’s answers reflect an understanding on their part that few men would be comfortable in the passenger seat. What does that leave us with? A lot of women driving solo? A mass of back-seat drivers? (Because, as Vetta also tells me, her mother clearly runs the show even though she lets her father believe he is the one in charge— again, presumably, to preserve his manhood.) As for me, I hope to split the driving equally with my future hypothetical mate on the road of life. I figure, that way we’ll both stay alert and there will be less chance that one of us falls asleep behind the wheel… And Vetta? Over these past couple of months I think she’s gotten the taste for driving after all. - Astri Photo by Ben McLeod on Flickr under Creative Commons License.
Readers have left 2 comments.  2. Untitledastri, Unregisteredmy thought exactly. 1. UntitledSage, Unregistered If you want to continue with the driving metaphor, I propose the following: if there are two people in the car/relationship, shouldn't both of them be driving? If you are both in it for the long haul, then neither should be staying up all night taking caffeine pills trying to stay awake and listening to books on tape while the other soundly slumbers in the backseat because he or she doesn't have a driver's license or a sense of direction. You should be taking turns and sharing the responsibility of getting where you want to go - together, as a team.
Personally, I can't understand why I or my hypothetical life parnter has to be more intelligent, attractive, powerful, etc. than the other - why can't we be equals? And if a guy can't deal with me being smart and ambitious and everything else that I am, then he doesn't deserve me and vice versa. |
