“If your husband has a problem with you earning more money than he does, then you didn’t pick the right husband.”
This is what I was told, point blank, by a young French girl last week. Her answer makes so much sense. It seems so self-evident. Doesn’t it? The thing is, it’s not.
Over the past couple of months we have conducted in-depth interviews with over 70 people, both men and women, and the answers relating to the importance of who earns more or less vary greatly depending on whom you ask. In the United States, where we focused our interviews on Middlebury College students and New York City professionals, the resounding answer from men was that they would prefer to earn more than their “future hypothetical spouse,” while the women seemed uncertain, expressing concern that their menfolk would be uncomfortable if their salaries were higher and their jobs more prestigious. Really, now?
I am Swedish, and though I have lived most of my life outside of my home country, and the majority of it in the United States, I have been raised in a very “Swedish” way. That means that I not only believe in and hope for equality, I expect and demand it. And if you don’t give it to me, I’m going to put up a fight. Sweden is a country that, after all, almost voted a “Feminist Party” into parliament a few years back. It also means that I have been raised with male friends who cook and clean as naturally as my female friends and who look forward to taking lengthy paternity leave when they have children. When I was home in Sweden for a brief visit this year, I saw more young fathers alone on the subway with babies in their laps and bottles in their hands than I saw mothers pushing prams. This prompted my American brother-in-law to exclaim, after a full week in our Northern capital, “Look! A woman with a baby carriage!”
Beyond my national flare, I seem to have been raised, as my colleague Vetta particularly remarks, as “a boy.” In other words, I think in ways that contemporary culture, American as well as Swedish, attribute to men. While most of my girlfriends admit that they thought they would be at least somewhat supported by men in their lives, I can honestly say that I have never thought this way. I never considered how my earning power would compare to the earnings of my future mate. And I never saw myself in the arms of a provider. I thought I would provide. For myself, that is. And the man of my youthful dreams is no distant bacon-bringer (though I would love it if he fried me some), but an intelligent partner who pushes me to excel professionally as well as personally and who is both my harshest critic and my greatest supporter. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not looking for a “house-husband.” I’m convinced that whomever I choose to marry will be a provider in his own right. We will provide together. And to me, providing means emotional as well as financial contribution to the family unit.
I realize that my expectations may not be realistic. If you take a look at the statistics on the prevailing gender-wage gap, they prove that my girlfriends are right to think that they will earn less than their husbands. The odds that I earn more than my mate, or than my male colleagues for that matter, are not in my favor. The gender-wage gap bothers me immensely, of course. It is completely unacceptable. But equally shocking is the fact that my male peers would be uncomfortable earning less than their female mates. This reflects deep-lying, and in my mind disappointing, gender roles within the relationship: men want to be in the power position (because, let’s face it, money is power) and are uncomfortable with their lady standing on equal or higher ground. And a lot of women seem to be totally fine with this. In fact, many seem to prefer it. That folks, makes me uncomfortable. Just as much as I find it unnerving that men don't want their female partners earning more, I think it's strange that women expect men to provide for them. Let's call it the perpetual double-edged sword of the gender debate. Will you believe me when I say that I never thought about this before? Now that I do, I conclude the following:
A.) I would be comfortable earning more, but would not prefer to earn astronomically more, that my future hypothetical spouse.
B.) I would be comfortable earning leas, but would not prefer to earn astronomically less, than my future hypothetical spouse.
C.) A and B are important because I believe that comparable earning power is vital in ensuring a healthy power balance in any relationship.
D.) I would not like to be with a future hypothetical spouse who did not also agree with A and B.
E.) Don’t worry guys. None of you have to date me. - Astri Photo by Thomas Hawk on Flickr under Creative Commons License.
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