Robbed of the chance to care? In my mind, the parenthood debate very much revolves around the idea that the modern father has been robbed of the opportunity of fatherhood. For months, I have lamented the unfair fate of fathers everywhere who must work such long days under societal pressure to be breadwinners that they have no chance to see their children. I have lauded paternity leave and talked about the importance of father-baby-bonding. Not once did I stop to consider that fathers simply may not want to spend that much time with their children. Even writing that makes me feel uneasy. It cannot be so. Fathers’ century-long distance from family affairs is the result of a system that puts the father out in the cold by making the mother the primary caretaker of children and home…right?  Imagine my surprise when a young French father of two recently told us that he couldn’t imagine spending even a whole day with his children. That he, “couldn’t stand it. It’s too much work.” Adding, “It’s too boring.” He also commented, equally happily, that his wife does more of the caregiving. Yet, he is married to a stockbroker who earns more money than he does, so it’s not likely that she has more time for those extra parental duties. Does she just care more? Can it be true that men care less about their children than women do? Or are they just given less opportunity to care?
Let’s suppose that how much you “care” isn’t dependent on some biological predilection. Let’s suppose instead that how much you “care” depends on the level of responsibility that you feel for your child, and what shape that responsibility takes. A young mother typically spends more time with a newborn child than a young father does. This is commonly the case because a new mother is more likely to take maternity leave than a new father is. For the crucial first months of the child’s life, when the baby is at its absolute most vulnerable and needs around the clock care, the mother is typically the one providing most of the caring. The father with no paternity leave misses out on fully experiencing the child’s complete dependence on him on a purely physical level. To give baths, feed, change diapers, burp, put to sleep…and so on. The man with no paternity leave cares for the child in a more detached way: by providing the necessary funds for caring. This paternity leave-less father comes home from a long day of work to a child that he has little experience physically caring for. He becomes the mother’s “helper” more than someone who takes equal responsibility. This does not mean that this father loves his child any less. Not at all. My theory is simply that because he is less accustomed to physically caring on a daily basis, he is also less likely to appreciate that kind of care.
practice makes perfectLet me return to something else that the young French father said, that spending a full day with his children is “too much work.” A parent, whether a mother or the father, who does not have the opportunity to be the primary physical caregiver is less likely to be “good” at those daily tasks. A parent who returns immediately to the office may therefore feel inadequate once they actually do the caring. They simply may not know how. Practice makes perfect, remember? As our professional spotlight Maria Campbell said in an interview , “I was more terrified than I realized and I ran back to the office…at work, I could do it. I felt like the day was so much easier here in the office!” Maria Campbell is good at her job. But taking care of a baby was new and scary and difficult. Maybe the French father’s reluctance to spend time with his children stems from a feeling that he just isn’t “good” at the child thing. That it’s just “too hard.” And why is it too hard? Perhaps because he never had the chance to really try it. Every child is different, after all, and if you don’t know all the ins and outs of what makes your child cry, or how your child likes his/her milk or blanky…well, then maybe it isn’t so easy to spend a whole day with them. Such a day might actually prove incredibly frustrating.
I believe that if fathers had the chance to play the part of primary caregiver for their children in the first months of their lives, it would make a big impact on their future filial relationship. My father took five months of paternity leave for my sister and I in Sweden in the early eighties and he raves about it daily. In fact, he even wrote a book about it, called “En Pappa’s Dagbok,” which translates as “A Dad’s Diary.” He is convinced that those first months were crucial in creating a close bond with us, and, perhaps more importantly, of feeling that his responsibility for caring for us is as great as my mother’s.
I think it is disturbing to hear a father say he doesn’t want to spend time with his children. If a mother said it, we would probably accuse her of being denatured. Yet, with the current status quo, a French father can say it without the fear of raising too many eyebrows. Well, mine are certainly raised.
This is not an attack on men. This is a cry for a system that allows greater paternal involvement early on in children’s lives. Because I fundamentally believe that fatherhood is as important as motherhood and that fathers suffer from a system that discriminates against them by not allowing them to “care” equally. Let’s stop talking about maternity leave and start talking about parental leave. - Astri photo from Flickr by Torsten Mangner under Creative Commons License.
One person has commented on this article.  1. UntitledZsofia Y., UnregisteredHi! I liked your blog. I think men just suck at multitasking and can't even imagine how one can warm milk, change a diaper and wipe that other kid's snotty nose all at the same time. I think you have a point though. Any father I know (including my own) who chose to stay at home with a new baby not only has a unique relationship with the kid from the get go, but also really enjoys that extra time without the ever-perfect mother telling him that he is putting the jumpsuit on backwards. My father put me out on the balcony to sleep in mid-February (granted with lots of blankets) and then settled with a bottle of beer and a good book thinking he was done for the day. Of course, as any young father, he dozed off after a couple of pages. Waking up an hour later, he realized that it had been snowing for about that long and when he rushed out onto the balcony he saw that I was covered in a thin layer of powdery snow. I was sleeping peacefully with my little red cheeks glowing under the white of the snow. I was fine. And my father loves telling this story to dinner guests... |
